Unsure

I don’t know where I am going with this today. I have words and ideas but they are blocked. Not able to entwine. Not able to sequence and make sense.

I need to vent. Blow off steam. I am not even too sure that this needs to be read. But its written instead. Someone is getting under my skin, invading my space and generally getting all up in my face. This person exasperates me, she changes, she is rude, she thinks that she is still fighting to run with the dudes. She doesn’t understand how if you run with the boys, you let down the girls who work so hard to be noticed to not be ignored.

She looks down her nose at my job, you work in interior, nothing more than a glorified slave I suppose. She’s telling me this not the dudes, she is the one that is judgmental and rude. She has the problem. She is blunt and direct, she gets the wrong end of the stick, the more I write this the more I want to kick.   What happened to a world once so open and free, why did it become so lost and stuck in intensity. What happened to fun?

I tried my best to invite and include. I did all that I could to listen and understand. I came up with ideas to encourage and motivate. But I am met with a brick wall, one that deludes. Its deaf and its dumb, its sluggish and uninspired. It’s thinly veiled by its need to latch on.

Please leave me alone. Please stop criticizing me, please don’t patronize and offend me. Please let me get on. Please respect me and please stop seeing me as a threat. Jeez what a moan.

Square One

Back to basics.  Back to square one.  Or maybe its forward to Square one in my case.  I have taken it back.  Deep breaths square one is a strange place.  Its a bit empty, its a bit hollow.   It asks me not to judge and to let go. It told me to start my blog again.  To reignite the creativity that I had long since buried because I couldn’t find the connection to it.  It seems I had buried that too. Along with myself.  Mainly because I felt judged and compared. Something to prove.  Was this to someone else or to myself?

” Ego says once everything falls into place I’ll feel at peace. Spirit says find your peace and then everything will fall into place”

Sat here trying to visualise the drop kick that I would love to do to my ego which seems to keep me from trusting the universe.  In yoga on Thursday our teacher asked us to trust.  She said she never does the same routine – a bit of a crutch for a jivamukti student – and so we have to trust.  Trust I guess she won’t ask too much of us, if she does, to be able to trust ourselves enough not to fear what she is asking of us but to try.  So I did and it was lovely.  I smiled inwardly that i was trying even if I didn’t quite get it right.  I am prepared to give it a go.

Yoga is for me a reflection of how my life is going and to be honest as well as burying the creativity I had buried the yoga behind a mood of not being able to do it.  Never enough time or determination.  There is always enough time and determination is just a state of mind.  I’m currently very determined, also frustrated.  Things haven’t quite worked out the way I thought they would. I feel like not only am I in the cuboid box of square one I am also on the back foot.  Back foot is tight with hamstrings and sore from standing like that for so long.

I thought I might be the lottery winner.  But I wasn’t.  So its back to this, rebuilding everything I had already built but knocked down like a kid throwing a tantrum with a jenga tower.  Life’s tough and whilst I am in square one the future and the light looks a bit far away.  But I spoke to my mother this morning and she said “its alright Ro, square one, unlike the cliff you have been dangling on, is a pretty safe place to be and all you have to do is the best you can and trust that it will all work out in the end”.

So forwards, backwards, feet or squares, it looks like the bottom means the only way is up.  Fortunately.

Peace Out

Wow. Am exhausted just worked straight through 14 hours. No sitting down apart from 10 minute car ride. Awesome day. But I have the flu. Trying to hide it. Hide the sweats and the shakes keep the boss happy. It’s working so far. Now all I want to do is sleep. Sleep sometimes when it doesn’t come it’s hard to deal with, when it does you wonder why you thought it might never again.  Compelled to write this not because I need anyone to read it because it’s got to get out of me because it’s haunting me. 

I am pretty shocked, disappointed, disillusioned. Happened because I was bored and flicked through Facebook. Face ache. Face. Not a book. Not even a face. Anyway. So I saw some things today that I don’t understand.  Freedom of speech it’s a very important freedom and it doesn’t I don’t think mean we can just speak freely without thought for our fellow man. Well fundamently that’s what it does mean free to say exactly what I want. 

I guess it’s because of this Palestinian Isreali issue. The issue. It dominates middle eastern politics. 

Nothing detracts from the fact that two entities are engaged in mortal combat. Yes one is considerably disproportionate and will use expansive force to silence it’s enemy but let’s remember this is two. It’s not one.  Peace is what should be sought not side taking. There was a picture on Facebook a beautiful little boy with his peace fingers to the camera his head a mess of stitches and blood. A man commented that this was a look of defiance in the face of the zionists. Could we not alter that. Could that little soul be simply being defiant in the face of life hoping with every inch of his self that he may see a day where he lives in peace.  After all he has his peace fingers on display. Yet the grown ups around him want to make him into an image of war, an emblem of the violent and destructive ways they use to find peace. They don’t want peace they want war they want to prove one or other is better and will not be satisfied until they have got rid of the enemy. 

Our love our empathy it should lie with innocent civilians caught in any conflict, one where they have no control where their lives are governed by war and death. For our part we must concentrate on peace we must protest for peace for an end to war, not an advocation of one side or the other.  Not an excuse to promote yet more racial tension and hatred not an excuse to argue who is right and who is wrong.  Let’s be clear if I have a rocket and am aiming it at you and you have one too and we both fire them at each other there is no winner, there is no just. There is no right. 

Right and wrong are constructs of a hazy line at best at worse they are words used to describe something intangible, something uncomprehendable. Right and wrong are perspectives and depending from what perspective you look at things makes them right or wrong. So rather maybe  we must look at the greater good. Religious beliefs aside taking human life does not add to the greater good.  Religious beliefs.  This is a war dominated by religious beliefs.  Which is unbelievable. Two sides, two religions, two belief systems. Weren’t these dogmas created in order to aid humans to live a better life. Instead the arrogance, ignorance has created leaders who see themselves as better, more good, more deserving, more precious than others.  

All human life is worthy, all is precious.  Just as it is. Equal in the eyes of all. Bound to this earth and hopelessly bound to each other.  Peace is what we need to ask for and most importantly we need to ask for peace, peacefully, defiantly, unequivocally and unanimously.

Precious Moments

Full Moon in Scorpio I believe. I met a neighbour on my way home tonight. London has a buzzy summer feeling to it. How wonderful that it doesn’t get dark until nine pm. Anyway my french neighbour and I scared each other half to death by opening the front door to each other, and his reply or the first thing he said to me was “you naughty girl” in a slightly french, slightly sexy accent. Blame it on the moon I think. Bizarre that at a time of fright where a reaction may be an expletive or a yelp at being scared he blurted that out. Just fyi all my nearest and dearest I think I may have met the man who lives above me and has very loud, very outrageous sex. He also plays hopscotch on his bedroom floor in steel toe-capped boots and on occasions likes to throw marbles at the floor right above where my head is on my pillow, oh and hoover in the wee hours. Hash tag to the things we hear in old houses.

And then there was the doodler. I haven’t introduced him yet but I have been thinking about the doodles ever since the brief saturday evening encounter.

He was an odd looking guy who moved his legs to let me pass on the back seat of the bus. I was thinking of that ‘look up from your phone’ poem on fb. And so I did look up from my playlist and over my shoulder and saw the odd looking guy drawing something beautiful, crazy beautiful. And he noticed me watching and I took out my earphones and told him out cool, how intricate, what an amazing space your mind occupies. He said kind of with a stutter that they were merely doodles he did to pass the time. Time on the bus filled by design.

Look up from your phone. Reminders of the crazy and the beautiful in life. I want to remember preciousmoments because it’s the funny seconds I spend with strangers that seem to remind me the most of all the precious things there are around me. I guess that’s welcome to the present. I wasn’t thinking about where I had been or where I was going I was present with the crazies on the bus. I am not sure what it was he was drawing a kind of flamboyant design of flowers and garlands. A pattern and maybe he took them home and sellotaped them to his ceiling but whatever it was it felt like a reflection of a beautiful mind.

I went to Whiteleys Cinema tonight. Fabulous. Waiter service on your lazy boy chair. How to turn what used to be a £5 cinema experience into a £50 one. Anyway the food is great and its lovely and it was especially lovely as it was a girlie film with a girlfriend and Cameron Diaz was ever beautiful, older, maybe a little less crazy but she still rocks. It was a funny film just a shame about the ending if you believe in those endings. Taken with a pinch of salt the ending never matters. As all endings are is beginnings. As I am learning. As I still fight with.

I am really tired I need to sleep not sure how it gets so late so quickly. I have a 5am start tomorrow.

PS I was more than lucky today, I can’t explain the story, it won’t do me any favours, but I was more than lucky and someone watched me today, had my back, and made me remember just how important all this presence is. So thank you, I know who you are xxx

Dear Dad,

It’s 3 am. I just realised. I forgot. Again. But I need to write this down for you. So you know it’s not you I forgot but it’s just I have an aversion to late April. I always do forget that is. But I was with them, we were nearly altogether and no one mentioned it. Maybe they have the same forgetfulness.

So I woke up tonight with a lump in my throat and I couldn’t figure out why. I laughed at May 4th and Stars Wars day and then it crashed down around my ankles. I still know your mobile number and sometimes I think to phone it, but I know you are not there anymore.

I was thinking about what I would tell you. Twelve years apart. Lots has changed, lots has remained the same. I still miss you, there is still a void, a dad shaped imprint that will never feel anything less than empty. I remember I have your hands. Giant man hands as I call them. Funny, I also remember a few of your jokes which stay the same and still make me cry with laughter. I guess you would describe my sense of humour just like yours.

The oldest sister seems to be the oldest but not so much the wisest. I am not so sure I should explain but the boys are pretty settled in a straight line and mine continues to duck and dive and twist and turn. There are funny things that have happened in twelve years and things you will never get to see. I will be an auntie in August which is exciting not least as Matty and I have plans to cause disruption, chaos and general bedlam. Just because he is the youngest.

The world is quite different now. I even noticed that when I came back from the sea. It’s changed its so fast with so many sharp edges. You know how we find it hard sometimes for the words, well that’s quite important these days. The words. Expression, verbalisation. Remember the days of laughing because of course we were “only joking!” Well now they invented a smiley face for text messages for just that purpose. Phew!!!! It’s quiet sometimes without you around. Before everyday felt different knowing you would never be back from that day. That you will always be fifty. Which is pretty cool. I am nearly 31 now. Just in case you forgot.

Now it’s different. I am really not sure how or why it’s different and I am not sure anyone could ever explain. Twelve years has helped to heal the pain. Eight years it was still so raw. But April 30th still makes me feel sick. And I still forget it. Like I am not allowed to remember it. I hope you read my blog, I hope you check out the chaos that follows me around, I hope you share in all the moments that remind of us how beautiful the world is. I know you shake your finger when the three of us are unruly, and up to usual tricks. I know you smile when we catch each other’s fall, I guess I think I know you are proud of us – maybe that’s a work in progress. Most importantly of all though is I trust you will forgive my forgetfulness.

Ro xx

Magic

London. Bank holiday. seems the crazies have come out to play. Though I’m munching my way through a whole piece of brie and swatting mosquitoes at the same time. Seems there’s something a bit left field going on right here. I saw a real life minion yesterday like the ones from despicable me but it was a person. My flatmate just asked me how crazy do you reckon you would have to be to get any attention. I mean really let the weird fly. We reckoned you would have to be quite crazy.

Its kind of peaceful here today. My best friend in the entire world has left me to go home – sad on – and I won’t be seeing her for a while – tears on – and then I just remember that she is in my life to make me happy not sad. That’s happened a lot lately I flipped the situation. What I used to get sad about, because I was struggling with letting go, is the very thing that starts the next adventure. Not wanting the moment to end. But the most beautiful thing is to let it end, love every single second, make the ending amazing and then give it back to the universe. So anyway my flatmate and I are re-cover-ring or trying too. I thought I might go out again with my other flatmate. But pasta and chick flick are calling me. And bed. 

London and the sunshine embraced yesterday. I spoke to so many weird and wonderful people Bryony and I danced with strangers on the station platform. Magic. There is magic in sunshine. Also a dude with a huge roll of sellotape outside my bedroom window. I wish he would quit with the sellotape noise. Distracting me. Anyway my love of writing faded with the start of my new job. Which I started and love. BTW. I also moved in and now live with two amazing girlies and we have such fun. So life has changed kind of dramatically and it asks me to let go all the time. Let go the past, let go of the bits you cling to for stability. Basically just sit back, enjoy the ride and let it go. Its amazingly powerful the universe. The people it sends you, the things it provides. Its constantly teaching and the lesson is there it really is so blindingly obvious.

So I will let my best friend go. Its pretty hard. We are the greatest of friends and we reconnected after so many years apart. She makes me laugh from the bottom of my feet, she builds me up, she looks after me and she is a treasure. I know I will go see her in America I know the universe will give her back to me. But sometimes the universe seems to give me such incredible people only to leave a massive hole when they go. We had brunch today in 212 on Westbourne Grove and it was outstanding. Amaze balls. Magic. I guess that was the ending, crying with laughter, finding the stupidest things hilarious, indulging in three breakfasts. Remembering the adventures of these past weekends…and now I know I have to let them go.

PS the dude is still sellotaping. 

Surprise!

The surprise is. Umm. Interesting fact number one. The surprise never is quite what you imagine it to be. Interesting fact number two is that the surprise never really is a surprise. My thoughts are completely jumbled today. Its like I woke up with a head shaped filing cabinet that was tipped over and all the papers have merged.

 
Writing = clarity. Perhaps, or just a way that I can work out the jumbled crazy meshed up thoughts. I just read something on tinybuddha.com about transition. About becoming comfortable with transitions it read, perhaps a large transition such as a divorce or career change. This piece of writing seem to infer that one would only have one of those things at once.  Try, divorce, career change, lifestyle change, everything change. And then sit with it. Sit with the worst and best of yourself for a while – months in my case. Sit with that person and try not to judge or run with fear. Decisions made based on fear are not good decisions.  I got scared made some difficult decisions that have taken me down a scary, frightening path.
 
So back to the surprise. The surprise is it’s not that scary after all. SCAR REE – kind of onomatopaeic, so is that. Sounds like you say it. A bit like when you say one word a hundred time and it loses its meaning. Or is it only me that does that. The God damn surprise. The surprise is Ro you are still sat here with yourself. You have still got to come to terms with that. Stop blocking it, let it shine through. Let it all go. No baggage, no history, remember no definitions. 
 
I had an interview this morning which was good, perhaps a little odd. It was called an       ‘Assessment Day’. I thought that would involve role play. Hmm I love role play but it also made me a little nervous. It wasn’t an assessment day it was a group and then individual interview. It was over as quickly as it started and there was nothing scary about it. Now theres a surprise. what if they had just called it an interview. Interesting that’s kind of dull, but maybe its the same thing. I don’t know, definition and words always keep me guessing. Surprised if you will. 
 
Is anything really a surprise. Truly. If it was your birthday on a scale of 1-100% you might have thought “there is a 1% chance I will have a surprise birthday party”, odds are low, but it is possible. If the only certainty is uncertainty and death then why are we so accustomed to saying “what a surprise that was….” To me the only thing that surprises me is me. I reckon the only way to work with that is to accept that right now I am in the middle of a huge dodgeball game, that curved balls are the only ones coming at me, that the only thing I can do is take each moment at a time, that trying to think ahead and plan the next move is not where I am right now. Play ball, but with a hard hat on so that the next ball to hit me on the head doesn’t hurt when it surprises me.